Thursday, December 29, 2011

Dog Day Off, Platypus Plays the Keytar, etc.

This post is sort of like those weekly grab bags that I used to do about once a month. Except there's no real theme to it, unless you count "unrelated funny stuff that I've come across lately." Lots of kids would say this post is really random, but I won't say that. (Please leave random alone! The poor word is so badly overworked and abused... Please let it rest!)

First off, an entry in Stuff George Carlin Said:

"What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lay around; that's their job."

I heard this and thought, Yeah, he's right. And then, Oh, to be a dog!

This is Cooper, our goldendoodle:

Guardian, protector, and supervisor of all canine tasks, ready to spring into action.

He has zero responsibilities in our household. His food, shelter, and entertainment are provided, free of charge. If he wants to run around or wrestle, he can. (This doesn't happen very often, because he is remarkably lazy). If he wants to sleep 18 hours a day, he can do that. (His usual tendency.) When he gets bored, he watches out the window and barks at our neighbors as they come and go from their own houses, or at innocent passers-by.

Occasionally I say to myself, "Self, maybe Cooper needs to get out for some exercise. It's important for dogs to get plenty of exercise. Let's take him jogging. It'll be good for him." I am not a big runner. In fact, I hate to run. Since it's supposedly good for me too, I've been known to jog once in a while. I say this to give you some perspective on my level of conditioning. Cooper cannot even keep up with me! Our Brittany, Kipper, used to pull me along with the leash, and my wife could skate uphill on her roller blades using him for propulsion. When I take Cooper, I have to pull him. So much for "Dogs need plenty of exercise."

We really should give Cooper a day off once in a while. I just don't know what he'd do with it.


I love Venn diagrams. I can't explain this. I like all kinds of charts and graphs, but especially well-designed Venns. I recently encountered one that made me laugh uncontrollably. (I admit I was in a goofy mood at the time.)

Words can only detract from the awesomeness of this diagram.

To me, this is funny on so many levels. If you don't find it funny, I'm not sure I want you around me. If you do, we could probably be best friends. Come up with a Venn better than this, and you will win tremendous respect and admiration from me! I don't know where this originated, but I found it at Leisurefest Destiny, a blog filled with hilarious, sometimes amazing, and sometimes just bizarre pics and vids.


One more insanely funny thing that Leisurefest Destiny turned me onto is Flula, a German dude who puts videos on YouTube about his confusion with American idioms. LD reposted the one about Jennifer pooping at parties, but there are lots of other good ones. This is my favorite:

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I'm a Bona Fide Versatile Blogger

Hey everybody, it's official! What you're reading right now isn't just some wimpy guy's blog. It's my award winning blog. (I'm still kind of wimpy though.)

A few days ago, I was nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award by a very cool cat from New York who calls himself El Guapo. He enjoys surfing, used to cook for a living but now just does it for fun, and works in computer networking, which means he can get away with writing for his blog on company time. (If you are Guap's boss, don't read that last sentence!) Most importantly, he comes up with lots of cool stuff for us to read and/or listen to. His blog is called "Guapola: Being Pointless on the Internet. And Music!" and that description is about as accurate as you can get. He is very funny, very intelligent, and never boring. We've been conversing for a while, Guapo and I. In fact, he's co-editor of The Bozo List and contributes at least 50% of the content on that page.

Although we come from very different backgrounds, Guapo and I see eye-to-eye on most things, and I was very flattered to receive this award from him. (Versatile Blogger is one of those awards that you automatically win when somebody nominates you.)

Here's how it works. When you get the Versatile Blogger, you're supposed to do the following:

1) Nominate 15 other bloggers (See below; I'll come close.)

2) Inform them of the nomination (Notifications are on their way.)

3)  Share 7 random things about yourself (also below)

4) Thank the blogger who nominated you (I think I did this already, but here it is again: Muchos gracias, El Guapo!)


5) Add the Versatile Blogger logo to your post (Done.)


It was not easy to come up with enough nominations, because I only read a few dozen blogs on a regular basis, and several of those already got the award. (Guapo took some of my favorites, arrgh!) Others that I follow are hugely popular and probably above the minor league recognition of a beginner like me.

In no particular order:

Five Legs Between Us
   A tripod dog blog. Seriously. It deals a lot with the blogger's three-legged dog, but also with other stuff in her life. She is always concise, clever, and intelligent. She's also very funny. One of my favorite blogs.

Cajun Asian Chronicles
   This lady is half Cajun, half Philippine, and all funny. (Does that not say versatile to you?)

Slightly Serious
   Picture a cool, smart, and somewhat sarcastic single lady looking for good guys to date in San Diego. Got it? Well, you don't have to imagine any more, because she's real!

Telling Dad
   A very prolific writer, this guy updates his blog almost every day, and he's very good. Everything about the blog is polished, professional looking. He writes mostly about his family, with some other topics thrown in from time to time. The best part: Telling Dad Blog is an F-bomb free zone. You won't encounter any vulgar language there. I might also mention that he has his own fire truck! How cool is that?

La Petite Pancake
   This Minnesotan transplanted to California writes mainly about cooking, but also about her wedding preparations, her pug, and a variety of other fun topics.

What's up, Doc?
   Unlike most of the bloggers I follow, this guy is a real acquaintance of mine, outside the blogosphere. He is incredibly smart and hilarious, and he works in the ER of a big-city hospital. If that doesn't offer plenty of fun material, nothing will.

Susan Says
   I've just recently begun following this one, but it looks very intelligent, well-written, and interesting. Looking forward to seeing what Susan is all about.

So Far From Heaven
   El Guapo turned me onto this one. A fascinating blog by Old Jules, a 69-year-old man from the Texas boonies who writes on topics such as astronomy, independent living, and Native Americans. He's very well read, often makes me laugh, and always makes me think.

Finding the Humor
   This blogger is a mother, but she's more versatile than the typical "mommy blogger." She's really good at laughing at herself, and she finds lots of reasons to do so.

Belly Billboard
   A big hairy guy who calls himself Gutmeister writes this hysterical, sometimes crude blog. For five bucks, he'll also write whatever you want on his belly with lipstick and post pictures of it online. What would you expect from a blog called Belly Billboard?

   The cool factor in the title translates to everything else in this blog. This lady is consistently great and almost always makes me giggle.

   This guy writes about his own experiences and memories, sometimes in poetry. I'm not sure what else to say, except that you should probably see it for yourself. So much depends on... 

Okay, so the assignment called for 15, and I got 12. That's a B- grade... not so good. But in baseball, I'd be batting .800, which is beyond phenomenal. In future posts, I'll keep pointing out good blogs as I discover them, and keep my focus on the smaller, yet-undiscovered ones, since I feel that's kind of the intent of awards like Versatile Blogger. 


Now, seven random things about me:

1) I have two thumbs on my left hand.

2) I am fond of making up pointless lies about myself, especially regarding things like extra digits.

3) I hate the word random, mostly because I feel it is way overused by kids today. Most of its original meaning is lost, and it's now used in many contexts to which its real definition does not apply at all. It's perhaps my least favorite word.

4) I was nearly kidnapped from a K-Mart store when I was 4 or 5 years old. No kidding, a lady was carrying me out of the store, fully intent (I believe) on taking me away from my family. Just before she reached the door, my grandma saw her and said, "Put him down! He's ours." The lady set me down and left quickly, and I'm 98% sure that is a good thing. Although, I can't help wondering if that day I came within 20 seconds of starting a life as a highly trained, top-secret international assassin.

5) I spent two years as a missionary for my church, in North Carolina, in the late 1980s.

6) This might count as several things, but I think I can get away with it if I list them all together. I've worked in hotel housekeeping, at a mall toy store right before Christmas, as a soil technician (yes, that's a real job, and no, it's not a fancy term for ditch digger), as a writing tutor, and as a super high-tech jet fighter mechanic, among other professions.

7) I've spent time on every continent except Antarctica. And Africa. Oh, and South America. And only a few hours here and there in Europe, where my travels were limited to the confines of several airport terminals. Come to think of it, I really haven't been too many places, but I love to travel when I get the chance.


El Guapo, thanks once again for roping me into this thing Weenie Girl termed a "mutual adoration society." And thanks to all the bloggers who continually tickle, entertain, stimulate, and/or inspire me.

Blogger Went All Korean On Me

I took a little trip to Korea earlier this week, which gave me an opportunity to piggy-back on my last post, about the dual-language signs back home. (I'd been planning that post for a few weeks, but just got around to it at the same time my latest adventures brought new meaning to it.)

After getting settled into the hotel, I fired up my laptop to see if the wi-fi works, send Wifey-san an email, and check some of my favorite blogs. Did you know that a lot of sites, like YouTube (no big deal) and Blogger (kind of a problem) auto-detect your location and set language defaults accordingly? Here's what the top part of my Blogger dashboard looked like:

And the menus? Yeah, they were filled with nonsensical chicken scratchings too. I managed to find the place where you can select your language and got it switched back to English, so I can work my blog again. While surfing around, I come across lots of sites with no letters, just squiggly little characters all over the place.

My friend who's been here a while gave me a cell phone so I can keep in touch.
(In other words, I can call for help when I get hopelessly lost.) I decided to try it out, and guess what? It's a Korean phone. The dialing buttons have regular numbers and letters, plus the little squiggles, but the menu buttons and most of what appears on the screen are all Korean. How do they even read this stuff? I started experimenting, just pushing lots of buttons to see if I could make it do what I want. That didn't work. So my friend showed me what's what on it, and I remembered for about 5 minutes. That was Thursday. I'll probably never make a call with this thing.

We went out for dinner the other night, and it's a good thing I was with people who know how to order at the restaurant, find their way around the city, etc. When you travel to a foreign country, it's helpful to know a few phrases in the local language. Still difficult, but helpful. My Korean is limited to, let's see... exactly zero words. I can't even say, "I'm an American. Please don't hurt me. I'll give you all my money if you show me back to my hotel and leave my kidneys where they are." I sure hope I never get separated from the group.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Un Blog Sobre Idiomas

In the U.S. of A. nowadays, we see lots of stuff written in both English and Spanish. I guess that’s okay, because it helps our immigrants from south of the border. If I were to visit their country, I’d like to see signs and instructions in my language. (I would, of course, try hard to learn theirs if I were staying long-term… just sayin’)

Here’s a sign I saw at a hospital sign-in desk recently:

I wouldn't expect a Spanish speaker to understand terms like “disability” and “ancestry” and “conditions of admission" in English. Since this hospital gets the occasional Hispanic patient, they’re wise to give the instructions in both languages.

Similarly, our local Best Buy store has a sign that warrants translation, because it has some pretty difficult words on it:

But this translation business can go too far. I recently filled out a form that was labeled in both English and French. It asked for lots of basic information, including the following:

Last Name / Nom
First Name / Prenom
Time / Heure
Religion /  Religion
Date / Date
Disposition / Disposition

I’m not sure all of these needed to be translated, but they all were, for the sake of consistency, I guess. Consistency is nice, I just think they could have saved the ink.

Another sign in Best Buy really makes me say "Huh?!" It's over their MP3 and iPod department:

If you can understand no written English at all, I think you could still grasp that “MP3 & iPod” means “MP3 y iPod.” Maybe it isn’t just consistency that drives these decisions. Maybe Best Buy’s reasoning in designing this sign went something like this:

We must translate it into Spanish, or our Hispanic customers will be lost! They’ll search in vain for the MP3s and iPods. They’ll surely give up and leave the store without making a purchase, because in their language, “&” is “y.” No, it’s unacceptable to print only “MP3 & iPod.” We must render it in both languages, replacing the “&” with a “y.”

Good call, Best Buy!

I've just made a long-awaited update to The Bozo List. Check it out!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Compared to the Joneses, We Look Really Bad

We have lots of friends and relatives who send out nice Christmas cards every year. Better yet, some send letters to catch us up with everything their families have been doing. Some even include pictures. We're not exactly that diligent.* So we feel a little guilty about all these thoughtful, unreciprocated messages that keep coming to our mailbox...

Then, last week we got one that really makes us seem inadequate. Here it is:

I masked out their eyes and first names to preserve their privacy, but I didn't bother
with the last name because really, "the Joneses" doesn't narrow it down much.

How does this card make us look bad? Because we don't even know these people! The woman has the same first name as one of my wife's college roommates and looks vaguely like her, but they haven't spoken in about 17 years. We're not even sure it's her, and if it is, why would she look us up after all this time?

This could be a family we've never met. The card did not get delivered to the wrong house, because our name was on the envelope, and the address was right. I kind of suspect that some complete strangers added us to their list just to make us feel even worse about failing to send anything ourselves, even to our loved ones. Thanks a lot, Jones family--it worked.

I'd like to take this moment to say a big Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all our friends and family, wherever you may be. And to the Joneses as well--we hope you have a great one, and thanks for thinking of us (show-offs).

- Brian, Celeste, and the Kids.

* "Not exactly that diligent" means we don't do it. Ever. Don't judge me!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

College degree, CHECK!

Hey, everyone. I'm BACK!

Hopefully I did not forever lose both of my readers by taking a two week break from my blog. I had a very stressful, homework-filled time, beginning around Thanksgiving and going up through Friday, December 9th. I got this idea that it would be nice to pass my classes, the last two needed for my degree. (I'm actually pretty conventional on things like this.) It seemed the only way that would happen was if I finished all my assignments. So that's what I've been occupied with lately, but now... I'm all done! Walked in the commencement, wore the cap and gown, got the dipoma (actually just a diploma cover, but they promised to send me the real thing).

It's been a long journey (six years), and often difficult, but also enriching. Now I'm looking forward to getting some sleep, catching up with my family, and rediscovering some of the hobbies I used to enjoy. Most of all, I'm looking forward to NOT spending hours upon hours in class and on homework.

I'll post some pictures later, and perhaps some reflections on Weber State University, my degree, and what I've learned in the past six years. For now, please check out The Bozo List, which I've just updated. (You have to scroll down, because the list is getting pretty long.)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I'm Not Sure How I Feel About This Song

My good buddy El Guapo chose Arlo Guthrie’s “Alice’s Restaurant” for his music of the day yesterday, and I enjoyed watching/listening to it on YouTube. It’s an old favorite that I haven’t heard in a long time. It got me thinking about something I started writing recently, intending to post it here. So I went back and finished…

I have some John Denver on my iPod, and earlier this week his song “Rhymes and Reasons” came up in the shuffle as I listened while walking to class. Musically, it’s a pretty typical song for him, with a nice, simple melody, straightforward arrangement, and his pure, unique vocal style.

I like John Denver, and his music always brings memories of my youth, because my parents had several of his albums on vinyl. (We didn’t own any CDs at the time, mainly because they weren’t invented yet.) I also like Cat Stevens, Gordon Lightfoot, James Taylor, and (probably most of all) Willie Nelson.

As I’ve said before, I DO NOT like flower power, make-love-not-war, we’re-all-children-of-mother-earth, pot smoking hippie music. (Let me interject here that I get a kick out of “Alice’s Restaurant” in spite of its overt anti-war theme. I find it original, thought provoking, and very funny.) Anyway, when I listened closely to the lyrics of “Rhymes and Reasons” for the first time the other day, I was a little troubled.

Here is its chorus (after the first verse):
   For the children and the flowers are my sisters and my brothers,
   Their laughter and their loveliness could clear a cloudy day.
   Like the music of the mountains and the colors of the rainbow,
   They’re a promise of the future and a blessing for today.

Following the next verse, the first two lines are unchanged, but the third and fourth lines go as follows:
   And the song that I am singing is a prayer to nonbelievers:
   'Come and stand beside us; we can find a better way.'

Some things I am absolutely certain of. For example, I never doubt the following:

  • Raspberries are delicious. Tomatoes, not so much. Mushrooms are not meant for human consumption—think about it, they’re FUNGUS! 
  • B-52s have always been awesome and always will be. I'm talking about both the USAF bomber and the band from Georgia, but not the "beehive" hairdo favored by the women in the band, which is sometimes called the B-52, apparently because of its resemblance to the bomber's bulbous form. Pretty straightforward, huh?
  • Spring is best. Winter is miserable. Summer is fun but often intolerable. Fall is okay but kind of depressing. 
  • Ewan McGregor is cool incarnate. If he and Catherine Zeta Jones were to mate, their child would be so perfect, mortals could not stand in its presence. (It’s too bad Ewan took his friend Charlie along instead of me to ride motorcycles around the world. I would have been a perfect candidate for that.)
  • Anyone who gets deeply, emotionally involved with any professional sports team is a moron, maybe even a bozo. 
  • The Jaguar XKE is the most beautiful car ever conceived by man. 
  • Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons, is a genius.

On some other stuff, I’m ambivalent. “Rhymes and Reasons” falls into that category. I want to like it, but I can’t fully. I kind of like it when I listen passively and ignore the lyrics.

Don’t ask me to explain. "Rhymes and Reasons" is musically superior to “Alice’s Restaurant” by any technical measure. Denver’s vocal talent exceeded Guthrie’s. Lyrically, “Rhymes and Reasons” is by far the less revolutionary of the two songs. Applying objective standards, I should despise “Alice’s Restaurant.” But artistic tastes are subjective. We cannot reduce aesthetics to a collection of absolute, black-or-white judgments or empirical quantification. In the words of Ulysses Everett McGill (played by George Clooney) in O Brother, Where Art Thou, “It’s a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.” Amen to that.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thanksgiving Bozos

I just added five more nominations to The Bozo List. (Click on the tab above, or here.) They're all bozos we meet while traveling to see relatives, eating a big feast, and shopping for seasonal bargains. Check it out!

Thanks, El Guapo, for providing this week's update.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Best Books I've Ever Read

One of my readers, who writes an excellent blog called THEFLAMEINSIDE, recently became the first to ask me a question on my "Ask Me Anything" page. (Click the tab above if you'd like to follow suit.)

My answer is so long, I devoted a new page to it, on the tab called "The Best Books."

I'll probably add more books to the list from time to time, so check back occasionally.

I also welcome guest bloggers. If you'd like to add your own contributions to The Best Books, say so in a comment or email. I'm at

Elvis, Fast Turtles, and Hand Me That Mockingbird

It's time for another entry in a category I've decided to call Caleb Sez. One reason I like Caleb so much is he's not a conventional thinker. (Check my blog's title.) In the past week he's said stuff both nonsensical and remarkably insightful.

First the nonsense:

Caleb: Hey, Dad!

Me: What?

Caleb: Guess what!

Me: What?

Caleb: Ummm... [Long pause]

Me: Caleb?

Caleb: What?

Me: You were going to tell me something.

Caleb: Oh, yeah. I forgot. Guess what!

Me: What!?

Caleb: Some people call hammers Mockingbirds.

Me: Oh, really?

Caleb: Yeah. In the nineteen-seventies they did.

O-kaaayyyy... I'll just have to take his word for it. I was alive in the seventies. Granted, I was pretty young for most of the decade, but I don't recall ever hearing that. Maybe the less ornithologically-savvy* will confuse a Gray Catbird or a Phoebe with a Mockingbird in any decade, but a hammer?

Nope. I'm not seeing it.

He's said things that reflect a curious view of religious doctrine, but he clearly understands a lot about it. Consider what he told his mother a few days ago:

Caleb: Can turtles run fast if they have enough faith?

Celeste: Yes, they could.

Caleb: I thought so. They must not have faith.

Brilliant! When I heard about this, I said, "My boy is a GENIUS," because it shows not only a keen understanding of the concept of faith (as taught in the Judaeo-Christian tradition generally, and especially in the LDS church), but also perfect application of deductive reasoning.

I guess we could also say that Mockingbirds could drive nails with their beaks if only their faith were strong enough.**


Since I'm already writing about stuff at the intersection of silliness and profundity,*** here's another installment of Stuff George Carlin Said:

" I wonder if an Elvis impersonator could ever get famous enough so that someone who looked like him could become a celebrity lookalike. Is there room in this culture for an Elvis-impersonator lookalike? Probably."

I'm not sure there is. It's an interesting idea, but I think first-degree lookalikes are the limit. I'm absolutely certain we don't have room for a third degree lookalike (someone who looks like a famous lookalike of an Elvis impersonator).

It's like that stupid "Inception" movie about people who can go into someone's dream, and then they go into a dream within a dream. But when they try to go into a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream, everything gets fouled up, and we end up turning off the DVD to watch "King of the Hill" instead.


* "Ornithologically-savvy" is perhaps the best term used in my blog so far, and proof I have not mastered the art of brevity.

** The ball peen hammer shown above is not designed for driving nails. I couldn't find a carpenter's hammer for the picture, but you get the idea. The ball peen one is good for seating bearing races and pushing roll pins with a pin punch, more tasks that Mockingbirds cannot perform.

*** They really should put in a traffic light at that intersection. It's getting too busy, and I'm afraid there will be some bad accidents.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

We're Not Exactly a "Licensed" Day Care Center

Tonight the Missus went out with her girlfriends to get some dinner and see a teenage vampire romance movie. She deserves it, because she takes excellent care of me and our young-uns, and she very seldom takes a night off.

One of her friends has a little boy who needed a babysitter, so we said, "Why not leave him with us? We planned to stay in. The girls can entertain him, and I'll be around in case any problems arise." So that's what she did. The boy is about one, maybe two years old. I'm not sure exactly. I'm not really a baby expert.

Here is the conversation between my oldest daughter, Josie, and me about 5 minutes after the moms left:

Josie: Oh, maybe he shouldn't play downstairs where all those jars are stacked.

Me: Yeah, bring him up here... [Looking around the living room] Just keep him away from the wire cutters and the soldering iron.

Josie: Right! Our house isn't exactly "baby-proofed," is it?

Me: Not exactly. He has some toys in his diaper bag.

They fixed a snack and then turned on the TV to watch "Gnomeo and Juliet" with him. If I'm not mistaken, it's just like Shakespeare's tragedy of forbidden love, but with more gnomes.

Please don't call the authorities on us. All night, only one glass got broken. It was a complete accident, and the kid was nowhere near it. NOBODY WAS EVER IN REAL DANGER, AND I HAVE FOUR UNBIASED WITNESSES WHO WILL TESTIFY TO THAT FACT.

I am posting this for your enjoyment, knowing the mother probably does not read my blog. And knowing we're really not interested in professional child care, so we have no need for references from anyone who does read it.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Super High Tech Computerized Drinking Fountain

Here's another installment of stuff I see that reminds me of other stuff.

These days it seems everything is computerized. Check out this amazing drinking fountain:

From the front, it looks like any other fountain, but look at the top...

I'm not a computer expert, but I think if you click on that logo in the corner, it sends the water directly to your email.

Really Simple Sipping?

Monday, November 14, 2011

I'm Like Ernie's Uncle Sid

In my last post, I put up a few pictures of myself and my daughters. Before doing so, I did not look at them very closely. Just got them off the camera, quickly cropped out the background clutter, and threw them out for the world to enjoy.

I've since gone back and taken a closer look, and it occurred to me that
   I've become Sid Fernwilter.

My hair isn't quite as thin in front or as long in back, but with my cheesy almost-mustache, gut that sticks out past my chest, and goofy smile, there's a real resemblance.

For those unfamiliar with Bud Grace's Ernie/The Piranha Club comic strip, Sid is a greedy swindler, always seen wearing a blue polyester suit. So that's where the similarities end--I prefer greens and khakis, and given a choice, I will always go with flannel.

This is the kind of stuff that inspires cartoonists.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Dads and Daughters

I've written quite a bit about my only son, Caleb. That's mostly because he gives me so much great material, stuff too good to keep to myself.

But I also have three wonderful daughters, and this weekend we got to spend some time together.

Last night, Sarah (whom I call Josie) and I slept out in our trailer. It was a wet, chilly, blustery night, in other words, typical November Utah weather. But that's okay, because the trailer has a good built-in heater. It also has AC outlets, so we took a little TV and DVD player out and watched movies until we fell asleep. (Before that, we enjoyed some pizza, sodas, and candy bars.) It was just like camping!

Like camping, but with pizza, movies,
and indoor plumbing 100 feet away.

This morning, Keely, Lydia, and I went to a Daddy-Daughter activity at the church. We had a nice breakfast and made little glass snowman ornaments. Who says dads can't be crafty? It was fun, and hopefully something they'll remember for a long time. (Ensuring this was kind of the point of the ornaments, so I wrote little messages on their backs.)*

The nice thing about these girls is they're pretty
enough to attract the attention of princes, but they
don't mind hanging out with their goofball dad.

* The ornaments' backs, not the girls'

Friday, November 11, 2011

I'm Like the Octomom

Check out the tab right above here called “Ask Me Anything.” That page is now all set up! I know, you were on the edge of your seat waiting for it, right?

If blog pages were babies, I’d be that lady in California who gave birth to a whole litter a few years ago.

Please check out “Ask Me Anything,” and I’ll keep making more pages until my womb is empty. (I'm trying to keep up with El Guapo, and that dude has pages for everything! Surfboard and guitar pictures, music, adminisilliness... he's got it all covered. He even has a page about my Bozo List page; how am I supposed to compete with that?)

By the way, if you have something to ask on "Ask Me Anything," you'll have to post it in a comment or email it to me. Unsure how to do these things? You can ask about that too, and I'll gladly walk you through it.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Simple Christmas Wish

Over the past few months, I’ve often shared things our resident 4 year old, Caleb, said. (Like here, and here, and also here.)

Here’s another gem from him. He told us his Christmas wish the other night. Can you guess what he wants?

It isn’t world peace. (Enough kids are already wishing for that, so I’m sure it will come this year.)

It isn’t a baby brother. (That’s a good thing, because one of those is definitely not coming.)

Here are his exact words:
   “All I want for Christmas is TOYS.”

He has never been intimidated into shunning materialism, and he’s nothing if not honest.

Thank you for making our job easy, Caleb. Now we don’t have to fret over whether to get you socks, office supplies, or delicious vegetables. “Oh hold on, Celeste… cancel that donation in Caleb’s name to the starving widows’ fund. He says he prefers toys.” Thankfully, that’s exactly what Santa’s elves specialize in.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Nose You Could Hang a Raincoat From

Just a quick post today to share a picture of a little fellow who made me smile when I saw him in a bathroom stall.

I'll call him Pinocchio!

Also, check out the latest additions to The Bozo List. (Click the tab above.)

10 November Edit:

Check this out, folks. I shot that picture yesterday, published it here this morning, and tonight saw a remarkably similar one, posted by my friend on Facebook:

What is it with all these silly coat hooks, and how many more of them will surface?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Don't Be a Bozo, Check Out the New Page

Hey, folks! Look at the tabs near the top of this page, just above what you're reading right now. The one called "The Bozo List" now has some actual content, i.e., words that I typed. I think you'll like it, but just to be sure, you'd better give it a read and then leave some comments, 'kay?

The other pages will be up soon, cross my heart!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Early Morning Booty Call From My Sister-In-Law

My lovely wife has sisters scattered all over the country, and she often talks on the phone with them.

Recently, she got a call from one of them at about 7:00 A.M., when we were just starting to wake up. I didn’t hear what they talked about, but it was a very short conversation.

Later, she told me her sister had somehow called by mistake, and it might have been something she terms a 'butt call.'

I said, “A what?” and got ready for an explanation that’s either very interesting or totally confusing. I was a little scared to hear what she meant by 'butt call.'

She clarified: A butt call is what happens when you put the phone in the back pocket of your jeans and your butt pushes the buttons, unintentionally calling someone.

“Oh, of course,” I said, “...but people already have a name for this. It’s a ‘booty call.’”

She insisted this is not what’s meant by 'booty call,' but I know I’m right; butt and booty are synonymous.

I just can’t figure out why we got so many strange looks at church on Sunday when I asked her if she’s had any more early morning booty calls. People need to mind their own business.


Here’s Munchausen by Proxy, featuring the always delightful Zooey Deschanel, who declares in song, “I’m not your late night booty call.” (Apparently, she has friends who aren't careful with their phones.)