The Bozo List


Here’s a list of people I think are bozos.
Or is it bozoes? I'll check with Dan Quayle.

The list will grow longer over time as I discover new bozos to add. My friend and fellow blogger El Guapo may also contribute to the list. If this turns out to be a popular page, we’ll consider expanding it to cover doofuses, numbskulls, and knuckleheads. For now, though, it’s just bozos. If you know some bozos you’d like us to include, nominate them in a comment below, or email one of us. Anyone can make or vote for a nomination, but we have final say. (And by we, I mean me.)



4 November 2011


- Kids who wear their sweatshirt hoods on their heads inside a building, or on warm summer days. Especially if the sweatshirt isn't even zipped up.


- Guys with a huge whale tail spoiler on the back of their Mitsubishi. Or their Subaru, Hyundai, Toyota, Saturn or Yugo. Or any car, really. Unless it’s a top fuel dragster or Indy racer, it doesn’t need that stupid crap.



- Anyone who’s not in an Army or Marine combat unit, but likes to say “Hooah!”
 Even if you are a bona fide combat troop, the only time you should be saying this is when you're about to charge a hill, or stab someone with your bayonet... at the very least, rappel out of a helicopter. Only a bozo says "Hooah!" in response to congratulations for setting up a computer LAN ahead of schedule.



- The guy at Wendy's yesterday who took my order for a chicken sandwich with no tomato, and then gave me a chicken sandwich with tomato. What was so complicated about this?



- That dude in every college class I've ever taken who thinks we all want to hear his witty observations on everything except the assigned discussion topic. Please shut your ignorant, pretentious pie hole, ya big bozo.



...


7 November 2011

As promised, here's an update with five more bozos. These came from El Guapo.


- The people on the highway who drive around the world to the left. You know, the ones that go 50 miles with their blinker on. We all do it every so often, but from Albany to Manhattan? Bozo

- Their equally bozo-tuous brethren that change lanes to the right, while advertising that they are going around the world to the left.

- Guys with ultra-loud lawnmower engines in their whale-tail equipped tiny cars. No, waking up the neighborhood to show off your Honda does not make you cool.

- People that insist on screaming at whoever the hell is on the other end of their cellphone. In an elevator or other small space. I'm looking at you, bozo from Dunkin Donuts.

- People playing on their phones. In their cars. During rush hour.
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9 November 2011

Today, I give you an update consisting mainly of nominations from readers who commented below, or ideas inspired by them. These certainly qualify as bozos.


- The guy who goes up to a three-legged dog's master and says, "Hey, you know your dog is limping?" Thanks for the tip, Bozo! I never would have noticed that.

- People who tell my wife, beautiful and perfectly sized at 4'10" tall, "Wow, you're short!" Wow, another thing I never would have known! Good thing we have bozos like you to point out obvious but irrelevant facts.

- At least three different people who, according to my friend who broke her ankle a few years ago, approached her to say, "Don't look now, but your shoes don't match!" No kidding? I wonder if it has something to do with this big plastic boot the doctor instructed me to wear for a month... if you hadn't said anything, I'd probably go throughout my day oblivious to the mismatched footwear. Thanks to your powers of observation, I can now take this off and replace it with my regular shoe... or maybe I'll get the doc to give me another boot, so at least both legs will match. Would that work better for you, Bozo?

- Guys with holes in their earlobes big enough to pass a cigar through. Or multiple facial piercings. Or tattoos above the neck. We know you just want to express yourself, and you think this style comes across as tough or cool or unique. It doesn't, though. It just makes you look stupid.

- Whoever stole my backpack out of my car last January, causing innumerable hassles for the next few weeks. I shrugged off most of what you took, because it's replaceable. But I've recently had a need for some important documents that were on the flash drive in that backpack. For causing me many hours of work trying to recreate my stolen documents, you win my BOZO OF THE DAY award. You're also a doofus and a giblet head, and I wouldn't be surprised if you have sewer breath.

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10 November 2011

Our alternating pattern continues today with 5 more bozos from El Guapo:

- Tourists that stop to check their map. In the middle of the sidewalk. In the middle of rush hour.

- People that don't curb their dogs. Don't be surprised when you are woken up by a flaming bag of poo on your doorstep, bozo.

- People that give ordinary socks as holiday/birthday gifts. Extra-ordinary socks (like foot gloves) are acceptable.

- People that park across two spots. You're getting off easy by just being called a bozo, but this is a family blog, so I don't want to be...clearer.

- People that sing loudly on the bus/train while wearing headphones. If you could sing as well as the act that recorded it, you wouldn't be commuting to work, bozo.


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13 November 2011

I'm lazy today and don't feel like writing anything original from my own brain. (There's a lot of this going on, eh Guapo?) But I can't just let the day pass without some kind of update, so I'm adding a bozo nominated by Sarah from callmequirky. Thanks for helping with the list, Sarah.

- Coworkers, especially those under our direct supervision, who can't seem to master the simplest tasks. We show them something over and over, they say they get it, we think they get it, and then they mess it up AGAIN. "Hey, bozo! Are you paying attention? I'm going to show you this one more time... never mind; why do I bother? You're never going to get it, are you?" It's like trying to teach a dog how to tie shoelaces.

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22 November 2011

We're due for an update, but I've been keeping busy with other stuff and have neglected The Bozo List for about a week. Thankfully, El Guapo stepped up and provided the following bozo nominations. I concur with every one of them.

- All the big box stores opening for Black Friday on THURSDAY.
  1. Get a Calendar
  2. Have a thought for your employees, who probably need their jobs enough to not tell you to screw off.
  3. Be shamed bozos. Be shamed.

- Anyone who has ever tackled anyone else to get the last Elmo doll on Black Friday.
- The TV announcers for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. The parade speaks for itself. Stop telling us what bozos you are.
- The guy I'll be stuck behind on the drive home from my mother in law. Really? 3 lanes you're using? At the same time?
- Me for eating way more than I should, because my mother in law is a wonderful, inviting woman and A. Phenomenal. Cook. Sometimes I am such a bozo.

11 December 2011

It's been about 3 weeks since the last Bozo update, but thankfully, a kind reader named Weenie Girl sent the following for me to post here:



This was on the back of a box of Paul Newman's Newman-O cookies. Anyone who steals your cookies is truly a bozo!

Thanks for the submission, Weenie. More updates are coming soon--I promise!

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23 December 2011

Perhaps you've noticed something here, and you've been saying to yourself, "Hey, he used to add bozos to the list in groups of five. Now they're coming in one at a time." To that, I would say, "Very observant, dear reader. You're absolutely right. But did you also notice that I'm now including pictures?" Since this here's my blog, I'll do whatever I want with it. I may someday return to the former five-bozos-per-update protocol, but in the meantime, get used to it this way (and feel free to send in your nominations).

A few weeks ago I saw this guy walking on my college campus and just had to get a picture, because he belongs on The Bozo List if anyone does.



I have nothing against a nice man purse. I've been known to carry one myself from time to time. But two man purses at once? Dude! You need to get a backpack. Or fill up one of them and carry the remaining books loosely under your arm. Something. Just not two man purses.

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2 March 2013

I guess this list is overdue for some attention. Is 14 months between updates too long? May be a few hundred lifetimes for a Mayfly, but it's nothing at all for a Redwood tree.

I've added the following bozo nominations from Amy, with some of my own [remarks] and minor editing:

1. Guys with their jeans so low, we can see the entirety of their boxer shorts, and even some butt. [Who seriously thinks we want to see that? Nobody wants to see that, bozo! PULL YOUR PANTS UP!]

2. Evangelicals who claim that God is "theirs" and everyone else is going to hell. Get over it, Teebow. Jesus said LOVE. He also said not to make a big freaking show out of your works, like Teebowing at the touchdown. [Nothing wrong with loving God and Jesus. In fact, it's sort of a commandment in my faith. But none of us has a monopoly on how to properly express this love, and I'm pretty sure doing so through extravagant public displays is not appropriate.]

3. Women who use too much perfume AND take the elevator I'm on. Barf. Ditto men who are hooked on buckets of Patchouli aftershave. Double barf. [I have to admit to being sort of a bozo here. One of my coworkers discovered that a lady in the office down the hall (whom he enjoys taunting) HATES Old Spice. So, naturally, he brought in a big bottle of it to apply liberally every day. I sometimes join him, because I LOVE Old Spice. When it runs out, we might switch to Hai Karate or Aqua Velva.]

4. Poets who think free verse is lazy. They obviously fail to appreciate Amy's brilliance! Harrumph. [Free verse is often done lazily, just as rigidly structured poetry can be stale and trite. Done well, either form can be beautiful and inspiring.]

5. Parents who withhold child support to punish their exes. [Really, people! You've gotta take care of your kids. If that means sending money to the ex, do it! I don't care how much you dislike him or her--do it for the kids, bozo!]


Thanks for the submission, Amy! For those who've not had the pleasure of reading Amy's poetry, she is talented and very prolific. She also believes strongly in some important causes, and although I don't always agree with her views, I certainly respect her devotion to them. You can read her stuff here: Sharp Little Pencil.

...

27 March 2013

Time to add another bozo: the train driver I crossed paths with yesterday. That's right; you, Mr. Honky-Pants, are the latest inductee into this exclusive group.


31 comments:

  1. Brilliant! My 5 are on their way. I'll put up a page on my site linking to this one.

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  2. Love it! (I vote for all the concerned citizens who feel obliged to tell me that my dog is limping.)

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  3. I didn't know bloggers collaborated...go figure.

    Nice list though I'm not sure I understand the distinction between bozo and doofus, numbskull or knucklehead. Maybe you could clarify? Or does not knowing make me a bozo?

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  4. I want to nominate the dudes who defile their earlobes with those hideous, cigar-sized gauge piercings. (And I'm confident that you two haven't succumbed to this "fashion" trend and I didn't just majorly offend you both.)

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  5. Biped, I hear ya. They're sort of like the people who tell my 4'10" wife, "Wow, you're short!" Thanks, Captain Obvious. Where would we be without your powers of observation?

    Weenie, I wouldn't really call it collaboration, because that word includes a Latin root meaning "work." Nothing that Guapo and I do on our blogs qualifies as work--trust me, if it did, we wouldn't blog anymore. (Although, he spends considerable time in the blogosphere while "working" at his job.) You're not a bozo, because the differences are subtle and quite complex. And these are just three of the more popular terms. Experienced name caller that I am, I've mastered the lesser-known "Ice Queen," "Sewer Breath," and even "Giblet head." (Got that one from Hank Hill.)

    OldDog, no offense here. My body hasn't a single hole that it didn't come with at birth. I've never met Guap, but I don't think he's the gauged earlobe type.

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  6. I have a small hole in my left earlobe for the very tasteful studs I wear. Nothing huge, but I always wanted an earring. After several times temporary holes (all made when I was drunk), and not straight at all, I finally had a pro do it.
    As for the huge holes, nah, that's just silly. No offense taken, ODNT.

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  7. The list looks good.
    I'm just worried that someone is going to contribute "People who make lists of Bozos" and my true nature will be discovered...

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  8. Don't worry, Guapo. I have ultimate control over the content here. And if I let something through that you disagree with, just say so. Per our original agreement, you are 1/2 of our editorial team and Head Bozo In Charge. Or was it Head Boss in Charge? Tomato, potato.

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  9. Definitely Head Bozo. I don't think I'm the boss of anything (I checked with my wife).

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  10. I know I can be a bozo, but man do I have one that I can't post on my own blog...grrr....

    - Employees, when you show them how they performed a task wrong, again, for the 40th time, who reply, "Yeah, I guess I just messed up." Argh! Bozo, that is exactly why I'm pointing it out, because you messed up, again! Try not to next time, that's the point I'm trying to make. Bozo.

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  11. Amen, Sarah. That's exactly the reason I don't ever want to be in a management position again.

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  12. I'd like to nominate some bozos:
    Bosses that give you feedback and it's all bad. And when you say, "Do you have anything positive to add?" they say, "That is the positive" and you're left feeling inept.

    Christians who complain about other Christians. It seems to go against the grain of His message. Make sure you've got your relationship with Christ right, bozo. Besides, when did that type of complaining get anyone anywhere? I'm pointing at you "Tebowing" haters!

    People who spit in public. It's just gross.

    Bozos who go to Starbucks and groan because the person in front of him is ordering a Venti-Quad-Drip-Breve-Caramel-Decaf-Latte, and he's only ordering a regular coffee. People go to SB for the fur-fru drinks! You knew what you got yourself into. Now stand in line, nicely, and wait for your crack, I mean coffee, like the rest of us addicts.

    Woooooo.... this is *fun*!

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  13. Thanks, Dana. EG really knows how to spot the bozos.

    Theflameinside, on every one of your nominations, I say "Amen, sister!"

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  14. Speaking of holes (well, I WAS way above in this comment thread), how about the a-hole technicians who blame and berate you when they jab you repeatedly with a needle to take your blood and you have the audacity to flinch. In PAIN. Dude, you are not a health 'care' professional. You should be pumping gas.

    (Great. Now, I've wrongly offended all of the innocent, well meaning gas pumpers of the world. Who's the a-hole NOW?)

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  15. Yes, apparently if some bozo can't find a vein with that needle, it's YOUR fault! And then YOU are the one who's being unreasonable, right? Because people are supposed to enjoy being stabbed repeatedly.

    I wrote on my blog a few months ago about girls at the Red Cross calling me to ask for blood. I don't mind giving blood once in a while, except for the part where they stab me with a big needle. I wish they could figure out a way around that.

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  16. Hi Brian..I haven't been here in a while. I should have thought to check back. very funny list.

    I'd like to add the salesgirl at the ski shop who fought it was my fault none of her ski boots fit me. "You must have something funky going on with your feet," she said. Nice approach for trying to sell me a $300 pair of boots, bozo! I sure hope she doesn't work on commission.

    I came across a website that features all kinds of bozos on camera. Many don't seem to realize that what they are doing qualifies as bozoish. The oblivion only enhances their status. Have a look at WWW.thereifixedit.com. you may think some are worth adding to the list.

    Happy after-Thanksgiving.

    WG

    PS. Utah is not my territory. How do you feel about cyber-stalking?

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  17. Thanks for checking in again, WG.

    Some people are not cut out for sales (and yet that's the occupation they choose).

    I've seen that website before. Some of those pics are very funny, and you're right--many of the guys behind them are true bozos!

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  18. You don't know how happy I am WG has turned her focus on to you!

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  19. Yeah, Gupao... uh, thanks for handing her over,,, I think?

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  20. Thanks for posting the Newman-os pic. I'm glad Paul is (was) one of us.

    And little does Guapo know...I can have multiple foci. Heh heh heh heh.

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  21. Nice pluralization, WG! Only bozos use made-up words like "focuses."

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  22. But the murses really go well with his shoes!
    And as to wg, Brian, you're very welcome!

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  23. Or the idiot on the elevator coming down from the neuro ICU said to my 8-year-old son "You're awfully big to be carrying around a stuffed animal, even if that bear is cute." to which I had the chutzpah to tell him "His father is dying." Shut that bozo up for a second or two.

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  24. HAD to visit after seeing Guapo's invitation. I have several, and most of them are probably manifestations of paranoid delusion... but...

    1. Guys with their jeans so low their underwear is showing their ENTIRE ASS, then the jeans start.
    2. Evangelicals who claim that God is "theirs" and everyone else is going to hell. Get over it, Teebow. Jesus said LOVE. He also said not to make a big freaking SHOW out of your works, like Teebowing at the touchdown.
    3. Women who use too much perfume AND take the elevator I'm on. Barf. Ditto men who are hooked on buckets of Patchouli aftershave. Double barf.
    4. Poets who think free verse is lazy. They obviously fail to appreciate my brilliance! Harrumph.
    5. Parents who don't pay child support to punish their exes.

    Thanks, Brian. This is one of the longest, most entertaining threads I've seen! Amy Barlow Liberatore

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  25. They are everywhere..... Love your ever so growing longer, list.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Susie! Seen anyone you want to nominate?

      By the way, I enjoyed your history of April Fools Day.

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  26. Hey thanks! I posted one on scars today. Got any????

    The Bozo that doesn't hold the door open for me when they hear me walking behind them, so it slams shut in my face. Ugh!
    I have said, "Thank you!" really loudly, but of course it falls on deaf ears....

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  27. Can I just add....pretty much everyone? Yeah, thanks..

    Present company, and all the commenters here, excluded. Of course.

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    Replies
    1. Yep, pretty much everyone else is a bozo at some point.

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