Mr. Productivity

It's been about a week since I wrote anything here, but I haven't exactly been goofing off. On the contrary, I got all kinds of stuff done lately. It's as if my last name were Workerton, and my first name, Workie.

I did stuff in the yard:

See that in-ground faucet? It wasn't there before. I had to dig pretty deep for the pipe it attaches to. After finishing the installation, I turned on the supply valve, and it worked! No leaks. Water comes out when I turn on the faucet, and stops when I turn it off. Success! Oh, one little thing though... another faucet that I recently installed in a different part of the yard used to work, but now it doesn't. Where's the emoticon for a puzzled look and head scratching? Pipes are tricky!

I played appliance repairman with our washing machine, which recently went on the fritz. (Whatever "the fritz" is, lots of things at our place seem to go on it.)

I had almost every part of this unit out, and somehow managed to get it all back together. And it works! Washes clothes again. Rinses and spins them too. And there are no leaks. After finishing this job, I only had a few screws left over. Obviously they were extra and unneeded, like your appendix. I'm pretty much a genius with electronic and mechanical things, and I (usually) save a fortune by not calling in the professionals. That digital multimeter isn't just there to look good in the picture. Okay, that's largely why it's there, but I did use it once during the repair process.

My neighbor was installing tile in his kitchen this weekend, so I went over and helped with that. We did pretty good, for amateurs.

It looks like wood, but it's actually ceramic tile. Cool, huh?

I'm definitely NOT a genius with tile, so I wanted to get some experience (in someone else's house, hehe!). I like learning new skills.

For the biggest job of all, I spent some time in the garage. There's a problem with the clutch on my old Ford pickup, so the transmission had to come out. Here's the truck:

And here's the transmission:

Notice that the two are now completely separated--proof I was successful. I did this alone, with no help at all. I do not recommend this method. If you're considering removing a transmission, take my advice and get a friend to join in the fun. It's much less exciting that way, and excitement isn't something you need in your garage. During this operation, I invented several new swear words, never before spoken by man. Please don't remind me that removal is the easy part, and I still need to put this back in. I'll nearly destroy cross that bridge when I come to it. Hopefully I will not end up with too many extra bolts.

A guy can't just work all the time though, can he? Sunday we had lots of family and friends over, and we cooked out. I grilled burgers, hot dogs, and chicken kabobs, and also made a huge batch of Dutch oven potatoes.

Thin sliced potatoes + bacon + cheese + 1.5 hrs in an iron pot = culinary bliss.

I must have not used enough charcoal, because these took forever to cook. When they eventually got done, they were delicious. I guess that's a win.

So you could say I'm pretty handy around the house. Fixing things and building things... even cooking things sometimes. I don't do it perfectly, but I can do it all.

Now, for my next project...

Urine Trouble When...

You know what I don't want to see when I've just had a great big cup of Pepsi with my lunch and then I go to a grocery store and spend a long time shopping with Wifey because we're getting enough stuff to last us 2 or 3 weeks, so I really have to find a restroom soon but I'm trying to hold on for a few more minutes?

This:

They might as well play big surf sound effects on the Muzak system.

...and that is what I call Long Run-on Sentence With Punchline In the Form of a Single Picture. You think I should make this a regular feature on the ol' blog?

Telling It Like It Is

I reckon it's time for another entry in my ongoing series on fast food condiments. (I'm unintimidated by the knowledge that nobody in the universe except me finds this stuff interesting.)


You know what I appreciate? Simplicity. And honesty. Look at this little packet of honey:

I wish we could have more products like this. The name tells exactly what's inside, and I know what every ingredient is.

Yeah, pretty simple.

Contrast this with a packet of ranch sauce:

A little less simple.

I like dipping things in this stuff, but I'm a little troubled by the fact that it has 36 ingredients, and I don't know what most of them are. Some of them sound like the same ingredients in paint stripper. I'll probably live longer if I just stick with the honey.

Botox, Wireless Mess, and Some Zesty Sauce

Here at Unintimidated, we like to mix it up sometimes. We will unexpectedly change our writing style, for example. Like right now, with the way we're using first person plural pronouns, even though everyone knows there's just one of me.


Something else we like to do is point out things we find amusing. Several weeks ago, we showed you a cookie wrapper that struck us as ridiculous because it used the word "decadent." Here is a little packet of fry sauce with another silly word:

This is actually pretty good, whatever it is. We like BK's foodstuffs.

Exactly what does "zesty" mean? It's a word nobody (and we do mean nobody) ever uses in regular conversation. It is only used to describe things like fry sauce and salad dressing, on their packages and in advertisements. If you are not a sauce maker or advertising person, we'll bet you've never spoken or written "zesty" in your life. Correction: there's one other product it's associated with (sort of), and that's Zest brand soap. "You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully clean." So the same word that's supposed to tempt us to dip our onion rings in this sauce also encourages us to lather up in the shower. We guess that's okay, as long as we don't get the two products mixed up.




This struck us as ironic and kind of stupid:

Spotted inside the Weber State University library

It's ironic because we usually think computer network upgrades involve replacing clean, quiet electronic devices with slightly more sophisticated clean, quiet electronic devices. If it's a wireless system, what's causing all the commotion? They must be running new cables or something through the building.


When there's remodeling going on, it has become very conventional to put up a sign that says "Pardon our dust," or "Pardon our noise." Here, someone used both. As you should know by now, we're not big fans of stale convention. "Pardon our [whatever]" was clever the first 900 times it was used. Now it's just dumb, like the old, tired "Got [insert your product's name here]?" that everyone under the sun copies from the milk ads. Try to be a little more original, folks!




Here's a clipping from an absurd online banner ad:

This mom now has a newfound zest for life!

Are we supposed to believe that's a real before and after photo? A three dollar "trick" can take your looks from 97-year-old Cardassian to teenage Katie Holmes? Reasonable skepticism is one convention we embrace here.


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Finally, on an unrelated note, we feel it's time for another edition of Stuff George Carlin Said. This is one of our favorites from him:


"Here's a word you don't see anymore: foodstuffs. I wish it would make a comeback."

We like "foodstuffs" because, although it isn't a necessary word, we feel it has subtleties of meaning that "food" lacks. And we think it's fun to say.

Just File This One Under Miscellaneous

I'm due for a post, but I don't have anything elaborate prepared, so I'm gonna cop out with a few relatively pointless short entries. (Ugh! Has this once-intelligent blog already sunk to that level?) I promise to write something more substantial soon.

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Several weeks ago, I told you about a disappointing Italian dinner the wife and I had. Tonight we made up for it by enjoying an absolutely wonderful meal at Biaggi's in Salt Lake City.

I had this:

FARFALLE ALFREDO

Grilled chicken, bowtie pasta, roasted red peppers, crispy Italian cured ham, sautéed red onions and peas tossed in our Alfredo sauce with Asiago cheese.

And Celeste chose:

FETTUCCINI WITH LOBSTER

Black fettuccini tossed with lobster, wild mushrooms and a homemade lobster-cream sauce.

Everything there was great: classy atmosphere, delicious food... even reasonable prices. And a server named Crystal took very good care of us. I highly recommend this place!

...

I'd now like to publish my first entry in a feature I'll call Stuff George Carlin Said.

I've already quoted him a few times since starting my blog two months ago, indicating that I really like him. There's a vast store of his material available, so I will periodically put up a short (or maybe not-so-short) quote with a few words of my own commentary. For the premier edition, I've chosen a one-liner:

"Did you notice that several years ago everything got different?"

Yeah, I've often noticed that and said, "What happened? I liked things how they were!" And yet, in some ways everything is the same as it ever was. Weird, huh?

...

Finally, to help my readers (both of you) get to know me a little better, here is a list of 39 more things I really like, in no particular order:

Ray-Ban sunglasses

Willie Nelson

The Jaguar XK-E

Ice cold Coca-Cola in glass bottles

Helicopters

Lasagna and garlic bread

Ruger single action revolvers

Springtime

Metallica's black album

Hemingway

Log cabins

Monty Python

Peanut M&Ms

Arrested Development (the sitcom)

Starry nights in the mountains

Christopher Walken

Robert Frost's poems

Zooey Deschanel

Radiohead, especially "OK Computer"

Albert Camus' The Stranger

Pretty much anything they sell at REI

Tolkien

M.C. Escher

Khaki cotton slacks

Plaid flannel shirts

Elvis Costello

Pralines and Caramel ice cream

Walking my dog on a leash

Anthony Hopkins

The sound of a radial aircraft engine

Word games

The Once and Future King by T.H. White

Rachel Weisz

Steam locomotives

"Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star

Australia

Cowboy Junkies

Dutch oven cooking

Flight of the Conchords

That's enough for now. Later I'll give you a list of things I really dislike.

Not Decadent, Just Yummy

I’m puzzled by the use of decadent to describe things like rich desserts and spa treatments. Granted, it’s technically correct according to the word’s second definition in my e-dictionary: “luxuriously self-indulgent,” but the first definition is “characterized by or reflecting a state of moral or cultural decline,” and my Webster’s gives only one meaning, similar to this. To me, decadence suggests reckless, hedonistic gratification, like a house party attended by Metallica, or a typical night for a New York Governor.

So I always chuckle when I see something like this…

Someone gave us a whole box of these, and they are delicious. But decadent? Come on, Mrs. Field! Decadent stuff happened at the Moulin Rouge cabaret. The Playboy mansion is a decadent place. Things get decadent backstage at a Mötley Crüe concert. It is not decadent for suburban Utah housewives, straight-laced bloggers, and our young children to eat your chocolate grahams in .7-ounce doses. I mean, it says right on the wrapper that they have only 100 calories and no trans fat. How can that same wrapper call its contents decadent?

I’m picturing a TV commercial with a sultry brunette in a flowing red gown who rolls her eyes back as she nibbles these beside a Mediterranean villa. Then, just before it ends, the narrator says “Also an excellent source of fiber.”

I guess I’d accept the “decadent” adjective on the wrapper if there were a serving suggestion on the back that reads, “Best when dipped in butter, caramel, and cocaine." Or maybe, "Try Mrs. Field's chocolate grahams in a hot bubble bath, in Xanadu."

Please Help Find This Gypsy, etc.

Today I want to do a few different things: help a neighbor in need, give my readers a tip on where NOT to eat, and waste several kilobytes on vintage office equipment. (This blog is nothing if not broad in its coverage.)

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It seems a gypsy has gone missing from a home in my area. Apparently he was seen with a black dog, and one of them is wearing a red collar.

Please watch out for these two and speak up if you see anything, because I think it’s sad for a family to be without their gypsy, and wherever he is, he’s probably scared and lonely.

…

Friday night, Momma and I went out for Italian. We’d never eaten at Ligori’s on Hill Field Road in Layton, Utah, so we decided to try them. She didn’t think the place looked too promising, but I said they deserved a chance. They probably won’t get another one.

On entering the place, we were quickly seated by a cute hostess, a tiny woman about 20 years old with a huge smile and way too much energy. She oozed perkiness, and we thought that a good sign.

If you’re looking for a family-friendly place, this one certainly fits the bill, which is my nice way of saying they should rename it “Ligori’s Kooky Italian Romper Room.” We’ve found Chuck E. Cheese’s to have better ambiance at times. Seated near us were at least three large parties, each with multiple toddlers who definitely did not use their inside voices.

That would have been okay if the food quality and service were up to par. When the waitress—a cheerful teenage redhead—took our drink orders, we said we weren’t quite ready to order our food. So she went away for about 10 minutes to let us decide. We settled on fried mozzarella sticks for an appetizer (Why do they call it that? We were already plenty hungry; that’s why we went to a restaurant.) and a three-pasta combo to share for our entrée. They brought out our “salads” first, and then the cheese sticks right before the entrée.

Here is what passes for salad there:

There was nothing wrong with this bowl of chopped iceberg lettuce. Trouble is, that’s all it was. Restaurant owners, listen up. Salad, by definition, is a mixture of at least two or three different items, maybe with a little variety of colors and textures. Ligori’s first course doesn’t qualify. At least the ranch dressing was pretty good, and I like that they brought it in a separate little bowl.


~ Edit: After reading this post, Celeste pointed out something I'd forgotten. She said, "To be fair, there was a slice of tomato on top of the lettuce when they brought it out." So I stand corrected. But I still say a bowl of lettuce and bite of tomato do not a salad make. ~

The pasta was likewise unimpressive. Rigatoni with meatballs, lasagna, and fettuccini Alfredo with chicken. There was nothing particularly wrong with any of it, but nothing to make us say, “I’m really glad we ate that!” The sauces could have come straight from a Ragu jar. I filled up on bread.

Somewhere along the way, the waitress forgot about us again, and we had to flag her down to refill our drinks. To her credit, she was friendly and she tried hard, but she seemed inexperienced, in need of some training.

With tax and a (modest) tip added to the bill and five dollars removed by a coupon, we got out of there for just over 30 bucks, not bad these days for a sit-down dinner for two, but not great, considering we eat better at Olive Garden, Noodles & Co., or even Fazoli’s.

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Finally, in case the above critique is not trivial enough, let me show you the most aptly named stapler I've ever seen:

Here is Old Smashy II. I don't know where he came from, but he appeared in my office a few weeks ago with his name painted across his back. I never met his predecessor. He appears to be about 30 years old and is still going strong, putting to shame those flimsy plastic staplers they sell today. I like Smashy because he reminds me that in our disposable world, there’s still room for something with substance, experience, and a bit more weight than necessary, plus a somewhat grouchy disposition. (We might as well call him Wilford Brimley.)

Love my blog but want more cowbell? Wish I would fall into an abyss, or at least throw my laptop in? Feel I should have chosen 12 pt. Arial instead of 14 pt. Verdana? Comment below! I’m not a mind reader.