Somebody Call Henny Penny!

Many moons ago, I posted a tip for you, my loyal readers, about a weather forecast that called for a 99% chance of space junk showers. Whenever something like this happens, I don't feel the mainstream media are effective at encouraging us all to freak out, so I do my part in that effort.

Well, folks, it's officially panic time again! All kinds of stuff is falling from the sky. Consider the following:

- Last week, we were warned by NASA (or whoever it is that warns us about this stuff) that a gigantic asteroid would pass by at frighteningly low altitude. I think they predicted it would not actually impact the ground, but they told people who live in high-rise apartments to stay off the roof that day, and suggested NBA players should be ready to duck. Thank goodness their calculations were right, and we didn't go the way of the dinosaurs. However...

- On that same day, a gigantic meteor exploded over some little Russian town, busting all the windows and Vodka bottles. The experts say this was totally unrelated to the asteroid, and it's purely coincidental that they came blasting toward Earth at the same time. Right, I'll buy that!

- About this same time, gigantic spiders from space started raining down in Brazil. (Okay, so maybe they weren't gigantic, but there were millions of them. And I'll admit I made up the part about them coming from space, but come on... seems pretty obvious, given the context here.) Click this to read the details as reported by Utah's quaint, semi-professional news outlet, KSL.

These are just three examples, but I'm sure there are many more. I'm really going to regret spending money last Fall to have new shingles put on our roof if they now get torn up by a bombardment of, I don't know, Martian missiles or something. Please be vigilant, people. Keep your eyes on the sky, and let me know if it starts falling over your city.

Update: New Info on the Space Junk Bombardment

Yesterday, I warned all (or is it both?) of my readers about the impending fall to Earth of an enormous satellite, an event CNN didn't seem too concerned about. I've now learned more details and can tell you there is no point in running for your lives... because the only safe place to be is ANYWHERE BUT OUR PLANET.

Utah's quaint little provincial news channel, KSL, featured a helpful story on their website today, which you should read in its entirety here:

Space Junk Expected to Hit Earth in Coming Days

It seems nobody knows where this school bus-sized hunk of destruction will touch down, at least not with any more precision than "almost anywhere on the globe." Worse yet, it will likely break into several smaller but still deadly pieces on its way down, just as I feared.

My favorite part of this story is that they contacted a guy at NASA named Mark Matney, whose job title is Orbital Debris Scientist, and even he has no idea where the satellite will hit, because it is "not behaving" (his words, not mine). Darn those pesky satellites, always refusing to eat their vegetables, leaving their room a mess, and wiping out entire cities when they plummet to Earth! What I wouldn't give for a job as a NASA scientist, with its accompanying salary, that allows me to blow off questions with "It's tumbling in ways that we can't control." This guy's expertise is needed about once every 30 years, and his answer is basically How should I know?

And everyone's been worried about a silly zombie apocalypse. You may now commence to freaking out. I think I'll go hide in my camp trailer.

Now Might Be a Good Time to Panic

I entered the break room at work today and glanced at the big TV that’s always playing. As usual, it was tuned to some news channel—CNN, I think. The talking head was prattling about a political campaign in someplace like Nebraska… nothing to see here, so I was about to walk away.

THEN, I look down at the little ticker at the bottom of the screen, where they put Other-Stuff-You-Might-Be-Interested-In. It has the following message, and this is an exact quote: “Bus-sized satellite to hit Earth Friday.” Mmm-kay… is this not a big deal to anyone?

Apparently they deemed this worthy of no more bandwidth than is usually set aside for things like results of an international championship Dachshund race, or what Lindsay Lohan had for breakfast (Vodka and Prozac). They didn’t even say what time this catastrophe is supposed to happen, or what areas might be doomed to certain destruction. Maybe it’s headed for France, so nobody cares? If my dining room is anywhere near the projected point of impact, I wish they’d say so. I mean, they gave the name of the winning wiener dog, but on the impending horrible death from above, nothing. Just one line, seven words, 38 characters (counting the spaces and hyphen).

I guess a Friday impact gives us three whole days to prepare, so why rush it, eh?

This bears so much resemblance to an old clip from The Simpsons, it’s uncanny. In a scene that spoofs the sometimes skewed balance between hard news and fluff reporting, Homer turned on his TV just in time to hear anchorman Kent Brockman declare, “…which, if true, will mean the end of all life on Earth. And now, a story about a mischievous raccoon who caused big problems at city hall today.” (It was something like this, as I recall. Could have been the old standby, a waterskiing squirrel.)

It’s a BUS-sized satellite, folks! Tour bus, school bus, short bus—doesn’t really matter. That thing will be doing about Mach 90 by the time it hits the ground… or comes through the roof of Wal-Mart.

I need to Google this and get some detailed info. Chances are, NASA is all over it like a fat kid on a jelly donut. Maybe there’s a Patriot missile already locked on, or they’re prepping Bruce Willis to fly up there and blow the thing apart. Of course, that would just make dozens of Smart car sized satellite chunks rain down on us. Have you thought of that, NASA? Will somebody in Houston please make sure they’re tracking this bus and figuring out where it will make its last stop? If you need me, I’ll be prowling through my neighbors’ yards, in the hope that somebody has an old bomb shelter I can break into. Maybe it’s good they’re not publicizing this very well.

St. John's Revelations Do Not Mention KOAs or S'mores

Earlier this year, we bought a folding camp trailer. It looks like this:

Not our trailer, but a stock image of one like it

As soon as we got it home, we set it up to show our kids. They loved it and got very excited about camping. Then Caleb, who was three years old at the time, said (and this is an exact quote), “We can hide in there when Jesus pops out of the cloud!” I won’t even try to list everything that’s wrong with this plan. I just want the record to show that we’ve always tried to teach our kids correct gospel doctrine. We’ll keep working with Caleb. This is the same kid who once described Jesus as “the most powerful superhero ever.” I guess he’s right in a way.

Here’s the whole gang camping last year with a tent, which provided much less protection from End of Days calamities and divine judgment.

This is Caleb dressed in a superhero disguise of his own design. He loves to be super and has defeated countless imaginary evil geniuses. 

We've been talking about what will happen when he starts kindergarten next year. Celeste already has a monologue prepared for his teacher, and it starts with, "You're going to hear a lot of things..."