Sunday, June 2, 2013

Super Duper Grab Bag No. 4

It's time for another miscellaneous collection of stuff I feel like sharing with you, otherwise known as a U by C Grab Bag.

First, let's do a few lists. Lists are fun, right?

Six famous nerds, in order of net worth (by my estimates)
1. Bill Gates
2. Orville Redenbacher
3. Pee-Wee Herman
4. David Byrne
5. Stephen Hawking
6. Fred Rogers

Nerds from the above list who are billionaires
1. Bill Gates

Those with severe physical handicaps and brilliant minds
1. Stephen Hawking

Those who were members of one of my favorite 80s bands
1. David Byrne

Those who were once arrested for public lewdness in a movie theater
1. Pee-Wee Herman

Those suspected of being a woman dressed as a man
1. Orville Redenbacher

Grab bag posts I've made on this blog, in chronological order
1. Grab Bag No. 1
2. Grab Bag No. 2
3. Grab Bag No. 3
4. This one

Eleven animals that have bitten, stung or pinched me
1. Dog
2. Cat
3. Mosquito
4. Tick
5. Ant
6. Ferret
7. Goose
8. Honey bee
9. Hornet
10. Hermit crab
11. Caleb (my son)

Five animals that have not
1. Elephant
2. Kangaroo
3. Snake
4. Jellyfish
5. Lobster

Six animals I've accidentally run over with a car
1. Dog
2. Cat
3. Duck
4. Snake
5. Frog
6. Skunk

Six animals I've never run over, as far as I know
1. Elephant
2. Kangaroo
3. Jellyfish
4. Penguin
5. Dolphin
6. Moose

Animals that Dave Barry and I agree would make a really funny necktie
1. Weasel


Now, something that happened to me today that made me go, "Huh?!"

I work on a military installation, so I have to show my ID to a sentry to get through the gate each day. Usually, he or she will check the ID, hand it back, and say something like, "Have a nice day," or maybe, "Drive carefully."

This morning, the guy who checked me was a Senior Airman (E4), which means he's probably been in the Air Force for 3 or 4 years. He looked to be about 23 years old, give or take 2 years. So imagine my surprise when he told me...

"Stay out of trouble."

I wanted to say, "Squeeze me? Bakingpowder? Whatdyoujustsay???" I don't dye my hair gray. I have four kids and a mortgage. I do not have sleeve tatoos. I was driving a KIA MINIVAN, for cryin' out loud, and it was 6:45 AM on a Sunday! I wonder what exactly I was giving off in my aura that made him think I might be looking for trouble. I can count on one finger the number of speeding tickets I've gotten in my whole life. I've never had so much as a sip of beer. I guess sometimes people just say things like that for lack of a better comment. But it made me flash back to the time a sweet young lady about half my age called me "hun".

I'm really glad he didn't open the rear hatch and discover all those dead prostitutes and bags of cocaine.


And finally, something George Carlin said:

"In this era of 'maxi,' 'mega,' and 'meta,' you know what we don't have anymore? 'Super-duper.' I miss that."

I do too. I like to call things super, if they really are. This is something I have in common with the four year old boss and offspring of Katia, a really smart, funny lady transplanted from Israel to Toronto, who writes a blog called IAMTHEMILK.

While I like "super," I see no need for "superb." What does adding the b at the end do? Nothing, as far as I can tell. It still just means super, so I think this is a word we can do without.


  1. First of all, I feel like I know you so much better. I never figured you for someone who ran over a duck.

    In all seriousness, I truly enjoy the way you think. This was very funny.

    I think the 23-year-old was just trying to show off. Or maybe he knew you ran over a duck.

  2. I said I ACCIDENTALLY ran over those animals, and I'll thank you to not give me a hard time about it.

    Actually, it was a whole family of ducks. I think momma got out of the way in time, but several ducklings did not. And I'll thank you to STOP JUDGING ME.

  3. Just a note - it's implied that you store the dead hookers and cocaine in separate bags in the minivan.
    Might I suggest combining them? The effect is super duper!

    I mean, or so I've heard.

    1. Thanks for the idea. I've been thinking about picking up one of Brookstone's nifty EZ-pull dead hooker totes, with padded shoulder strap, built-in cocaine pouch, and picnic caddy. I just have to remember to take it out of the Kia before I drive to the Air Force base.