Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Nose You Could Hang a Raincoat From

Just a quick post today to share a picture of a little fellow who made me smile when I saw him in a bathroom stall.

I'll call him Pinocchio!

Also, check out the latest additions to The Bozo List. (Click the tab above.)

10 November Edit:

Check this out, folks. I shot that picture yesterday, published it here this morning, and tonight saw a remarkably similar one, posted by my friend on Facebook:


What is it with all these silly coat hooks, and how many more of them will surface?


Friday, November 4, 2011

Don't Be a Bozo, Check Out the New Page

Hey, folks! Look at the tabs near the top of this page, just above what you're reading right now. The one called "The Bozo List" now has some actual content, i.e., words that I typed. I think you'll like it, but just to be sure, you'd better give it a read and then leave some comments, 'kay?


The other pages will be up soon, cross my heart!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Early Morning Booty Call From My Sister-In-Law


My lovely wife has sisters scattered all over the country, and she often talks on the phone with them.

Recently, she got a call from one of them at about 7:00 A.M., when we were just starting to wake up. I didn’t hear what they talked about, but it was a very short conversation.

Later, she told me her sister had somehow called by mistake, and it might have been something she terms a 'butt call.'

I said, “A what?” and got ready for an explanation that’s either very interesting or totally confusing. I was a little scared to hear what she meant by 'butt call.'

She clarified: A butt call is what happens when you put the phone in the back pocket of your jeans and your butt pushes the buttons, unintentionally calling someone.

“Oh, of course,” I said, “...but people already have a name for this. It’s a ‘booty call.’”

She insisted this is not what’s meant by 'booty call,' but I know I’m right; butt and booty are synonymous.

I just can’t figure out why we got so many strange looks at church on Sunday when I asked her if she’s had any more early morning booty calls. People need to mind their own business.


 

Here’s Munchausen by Proxy, featuring the always delightful Zooey Deschanel, who declares in song, “I’m not your late night booty call.” (Apparently, she has friends who aren't careful with their phones.)



Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Beware: Deadly, Slithering Invaders

It's been several weeks since I last alerted you, my loyal readers, to any horrifying threats to our survival. Always vigilant, I now must call your attention to a story featured on the KSL news website today. Before clicking on the link below, be warned that it's guaranteed to give you the willies:


Yes, it seems hordes (four so far) of baby rattlesnakes (they're even deadlier than the adults!) are infesting a building on the campus of Weber State University. Folks, this is where I go to school! I'm there at least two days a week, and I find this situation UNACCEPTABLE.

It's really no surprise that we have a snake epidemic, because the campus is right on the foothills of some rugged mountains, and it has suddenly gotten chilly here. What I want to know is just this: What are they doing about this frightening problem? The story mentions some vague plans to bring in reptile experts and inspect the building. It doesn't say anything about immediately burning that place to the ground, along with all the surrounding structures in a 200 foot radius, which I feel would be an appropriate response.

Even more shocking is the earlier story, linked within the Weber State one, about a house in Idaho that's infested with hundreds, perhaps even thousands of snakes. What is it with these evil, venomous, legless creatures trying to take over the planet? Rise up, fellow mammals, and take back our homes, our schools, and our cities!




Note: In case it isn't obvious, I've taken a sarcastic tone for much of this post. But I do think they should burn that building.


Sunday, October 30, 2011

Botox, Wireless Mess, and Some Zesty Sauce

Here at Unintimidated, we like to mix it up sometimes. We will unexpectedly change our writing style, for example. Like right now, with the way we're using first person plural pronouns, even though everyone knows there's just one of me.


Something else we like to do is point out things we find amusing. Several weeks ago, we showed you a cookie wrapper that struck us as ridiculous because it used the word "decadent." Here is a little packet of fry sauce with another silly word:


This is actually pretty good, whatever it is. We like BK's foodstuffs.


Exactly what does "zesty" mean? It's a word nobody (and we do mean nobody) ever uses in regular conversation. It is only used to describe things like fry sauce and salad dressing, on their packages and in advertisements. If you are not a sauce maker or advertising person, we'll bet you've never spoken or written "zesty" in your life. Correction: there's one other product it's associated with (sort of), and that's Zest brand soap. "You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully clean." So the same word that's supposed to tempt us to dip our onion rings in this sauce also encourages us to lather up in the shower. We guess that's okay, as long as we don't get the two products mixed up.




This struck us as ironic and kind of stupid:


Spotted inside the Weber State University library

It's ironic because we usually think computer network upgrades involve replacing clean, quiet electronic devices with slightly more sophisticated clean, quiet electronic devices. If it's a wireless system, what's causing all the commotion? They must be running new cables or something through the building.


When there's remodeling going on, it has become very conventional to put up a sign that says "Pardon our dust," or "Pardon our noise." Here, someone used both. As you should know by now, we're not big fans of stale convention. "Pardon our [whatever]" was clever the first 900 times it was used. Now it's just dumb, like the old, tired "Got [insert your product's name here]?" that everyone under the sun copies from the milk ads. Try to be a little more original, folks!




Here's a clipping from an absurd online banner ad:


This mom now has a newfound zest for life!


Are we supposed to believe that's a real before and after photo? A three dollar "trick" can take your looks from 97-year-old Cardassian to teenage Katie Holmes? Reasonable skepticism is one convention we embrace here.


...


Finally, on an unrelated note, we feel it's time for another edition of Stuff George Carlin Said. This is one of our favorites from him:


"Here's a word you don't see anymore: foodstuffs. I wish it would make a comeback."


We like "foodstuffs" because, although it isn't a necessary word, we feel it has subtleties of meaning that "food" lacks. And we think it's fun to say.



Friday, October 28, 2011

And Now, My Dislikes

Five days ago, I wrote a list of things I really like. Now, to keep the universe in balance, I'll give you my dislikes. Again, in no particular order:


Rosie O'Donnell

Most rap music

Soggy bread

Clowns

Barbershop quartets

Tomatoes

Crappy American cars from the 1970s and early '80s

"The Age of Aquarius" by 5th Dimension

"White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane

All stupid hippie music

Infomercials, and most anything they sell

Aggressive drivers

Sean Penn

Filthy, obese women who shop at Wal-Mart in pajamas and ridiculous house slippers

Paper cuts



You might notice that I didn't create any hyperlinks in this list. That's because...

1) To get the URLs I'd have to search for this stuff, and I don't want any of it on my computer screen, even for a few seconds.

2) Links would only tempt you to click and check out pictures, videos, etc. of my most hated stuff. I don't want to feed visitors to any of this stuff. I hope it all goes away forever.

...

I also thought of a few things I want to add to the LIKES list:

A bed with warm covers and a cold pillow
BMW motorcycles, past and present
Pee-Wee Herman (Don't judge me!)
The Bullwinkle and Rocky Show
Good books of all kinds
Amanda Peet
Cheese

...

If you agree with me on any or all of these, leave a comment. If you disagree, definitely leave a comment. If you have no opinion, but you just feel like leaving a comment, by all means...



Monday, October 24, 2011

Posthumous Lessons From Steve Jobs

According to a book I bought a few months ago, one good way to attract interest in a blog and build online community is to get an early scoop on a buzzworthy news story. In spite of this advice, I’ve never been inclined to write about current events here at Unintimidated by Convention. (The book also suggested choosing a short blog title.)

I’m making an exception now because I took genuine interest in an Associated Press story about Steve Jobs. AP reporter Michael Liedtke got an advance copy of Walter Isaacson’s authorized biography of Jobs, which was released today, and he wrote about Jobs’s striking animosity toward Google, which he accused of corporate theft. Jobs personally mentored Google CEOs, and their two companies previously enjoyed good rapport. But, according to Isaacson, Jobs later accused Google of stealing their Android mobile phone operating system from Apple, and he declared a willingness to “spend my last dying breath… and every penny of Apple’s $40 billion… to right this wrong.” Clearly, he felt strongly about the issue.

All this is well documented, and I doubt there’s much breadth I can add to the story beyond what Isaacson and Liedtke have already published. But I want to give my personal take on the situation, hopefully adding to its depth in a few areas.

As I read the AP story this morning, two things immediately came to mind. The first was a four-line stanza from “Elegy Written in Country Churchyard,” a beautiful 18th century poem by Thomas Gray:

     The boast of heraldry, the pomp of power,
        And all that beauty, all that wealth e’er gave,
     Awaits alike the inevitable hour.
        The paths of glory lead but to the grave.

Indeed. Doesn't matter if you're worth billions, at the head of the decade's most successful company, and revered by countless followers all over the world. When it's your time to go, there's nothing anyone can do about that.

The second thing I thought about as I read was the group of questions raised by Jobs’s accusations and how Apple, Google, and the legal system will respond. Just because Jobs is no longer with us to push the issue does not mean the alleged corporate theft will be ignored. Perhaps Google will be barred from selling any more copies of Android and ordered to pay Apple eleventeen gazillion dollars. Or the two companies will settle on a licensing agreement. Or perhaps someone will prove Jobs’s accusations to be baseless, the offhanded ramblings of a dying paranoid.

I think none of this matters as much as the tender feelings of any one survivor to whom Steve was a son, brother, husband, father, or friend. To them, he is more important than all of his accomplishments combined. But he is no more or less important to them than any retired bus drivers, middle-aged waitresses, or 22-year-old struggling college students are to their respective loved ones.* Another stanza from Gray’s elegy goes like this:

     Let not Ambition mock their useful toil,
        Their homely joys, and destiny obscure;
     Nor Grandeur hear with a disdainful smile
        The short and simple annals of the poor.

I will try to remember that what I do for my family and friends every day is worth more than all the Google Androids in the world, and I hope everyone reading this understands the same is true of their priceless lives. 


This gang is the reason I drag myself to work every day
...and run straight home every night.



* Or a 40-something government employee who sits down with his MacBook three or four times a week to write something on his little blog with a big name—add him to the list.

...



Love my blog but want more cowbell? Wish I would fall into an abyss, or at least throw my laptop in? Feel I should have chosen 12 pt. Arial instead of 14 pt. Verdana? Comment below! I’m not a mind reader.