Ten Guys You'll Probably Never Meet

I got an Instant Message today from someone named Dana, who works in my organization, but in a different office. I’d never met her before, or so I thought. When I got a phone call from Dana a few minutes later, I found out how wrong I was. Turns out, I’d never met him before.

This highlighted the fact that we should not jump to conclusions about a person based on his or her name. Come to think of it though, I’ve still never met Dana, so I'm just assuming he’s male based on his voice over the phone. I hope I’m not wrong again.

After this happened, a coworker and I talked about male and female names. We agreed that Dana is not the most unlikely of men’s names. We’ve both met guys named Kelly, Tracy, and Stacy. But neither of us has ever met a guy named Sarah. Since we here at Unintimidated by Convention feel lists are fun things to share, I give you Ten Names You’ll Probably Never Find on a Guy:

1. Sarah

2. Alicia

3. Brittany

4. Melissa

5. Amber

6. Tiffany

7. Rosalee

8. Margaret/Maggie

9. Catherine

10. Heather

Note that all bets are off if you’re dealing with a Frenchman. They use a whole different set of rules.

What Kind of Nuts?

As I look back through the things I've written on this here blog, I notice there are more posts about stuff my boy, Caleb, says than anything else. He's a constant source of fun material. Sometimes one of his friends will also say something that is worth a laugh, and worth sharing.

He was playing with a five year old boy from the neighborhood recently, and the two of them had the following conversation: (This is all true; I can't make this stuff up.)

Friend: Have you seen "Space Balls?"

Caleb: No.

Friend: It's funny. There's a guy that looks like Darth Vader, but he's called Dark Helmet. And he kicks someone in the peanuts!

Caleb: You shouldn't say that.

Friend: What?

Caleb: You said a bad word.

Friend: Huh-uh. That's what it's called.

Caleb: Really?

Friend: Yeah, it's called your peanuts.

Caleb: Oh. Okay.

I'm glad he has a source of accurate information. This means I don't have to worry about talking with him about the sensitive topics when he gets a little older. He'll learn everything he needs to know from his peers.

Always guard your peanuts when this guy's around.
Image courtesy of fanpix.net

Early Morning Booty Call From My Sister-In-Law

My lovely wife has sisters scattered all over the country, and she often talks on the phone with them.

Recently, she got a call from one of them at about 7:00 A.M., when we were just starting to wake up. I didn’t hear what they talked about, but it was a very short conversation.

Later, she told me her sister had somehow called by mistake, and it might have been something she terms a 'butt call.'

I said, “A what?” and got ready for an explanation that’s either very interesting or totally confusing. I was a little scared to hear what she meant by 'butt call.'

She clarified: A butt call is what happens when you put the phone in the back pocket of your jeans and your butt pushes the buttons, unintentionally calling someone.

“Oh, of course,” I said, “...but people already have a name for this. It’s a ‘booty call.’”

She insisted this is not what’s meant by 'booty call,' but I know I’m right; butt and booty are synonymous.

I just can’t figure out why we got so many strange looks at church on Sunday when I asked her if she’s had any more early morning booty calls. People need to mind their own business.

… 

Here’s Munchausen by Proxy, featuring the always delightful Zooey Deschanel, who declares in song, “I’m not your late night booty call.” (Apparently, she has friends who aren't careful with their phones.)

Behind the Curve on What is Sexy

Waiting in line at a grocery store recently, I found myself glancing over some women's magazines, and I spotted something puzzling—even as women's magazines go.

One cover featured Rachel Bilson, with the tagline, “How she got her amazing curves.” What-are-you-talking-about, Willis Women’s Health???

First of all, I wouldn’t call a waist the size of a fencepost and two tiny bumps where boobs should be “amazing curves.” Secondly, how does a magazine with this name get so far out of touch with what a healthy woman really looks like? Don’t get me wrong, Rachel is cute—all 98 pounds of her—and there’s nothing wrong with a smooth complexion, pretty hairdo, and big white teeth. But I think somebody should give that girl a sandwich, maybe some eggs Benedict. The poor thing probably has to stay inside on windy days, for fear of blowing into the next county.

Women’s Health, there are millions of beautiful and truly healthy women you could have shown… women with real curves, or at least measurements more voluptuous than 28-24-28. The only thing remarkable about Rachel is that she (or probably her agent) somehow persuaded you to photograph her and call her Olsen twin figure “amazing.”

But there's a lot of this going around. For years, gun manufacturer Kahr has been running magazine ads that show their products in the hands of nearly anorexic looking women, with the caption, "Thin is sexy." (Click here for some examples.) I guess the theory is that consumers will see the model, read the caption, and associate the thinness of their compact pistols with sex appeal. The trouble is, I don't find these women attractive. I know a lot of guys who are into guns and most of them don't either. (And the ads are clearly not targeted at women.) So, Kahr, I'm not sure who you're trying to reach, but most people I know would disagree with your advertising claim. Thin is okay, but it's possible to go too thin.

In contrast to the Kahr, Ruger's curvaceous and
somewhat heavier Vaquero is a sexy handgun.

Tom Wolfe is recognized as a premier chronicler of our culture; for the past 50 years he's observed in newspapers, nonfiction books, and novels how modern Americans think and act. Martha Croker, a character in his 1998 novel A Man in Full, resents her ex-husband Charlie's new trophy wife and others like her, both for their lack of moral fiber and lack of physical substance. To her eye, their bodies are like "12-year-old boys with breasts." (See Rachel Bilson's picture above.) Mr. Wolfe, you nailed it. And Charlie Croker, what's so sexy about that?

True Intimacy

I’m feeling bloggy again, so decided to piggyback on my last post (Grab Bag #2). I could just edit it to add these few paragraphs, but if I make a new entry I’ll appear more prolific.

A 2002 Universal Pictures production.
Screenplay by Peter Hedges, Chris Weitz, and Paul Weitz.
Image copied from IMDB. Please, don't anybody sue me.

I've mentioned The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, which appears to be—and starts out as—a mystery novel but is actually an urban adventure tale with an autistic teen for its protagonist. About a Boy is another contemporary British story featuring a quirky youth. In the movie based on Nick Hornby's novel, 12-year-old Marcus and his adult mentor, Will, have a conversation about sexual desire that goes like this:

   Marcus: What's the difference between a girl who's your friend and a girlfriend?

   Will: Well, I don't know... Do you want to touch her?

   Marcus: Is that so important?

   Will: Well, yeah Marcus. You’ve heard about sex, right? It’s kind of a big deal.

   Marcus: I know. I’m not stupid. I just can’t believe there’s nothing more to it. I mean, 
   I want to be with her. I want to be with her all the time. And I want to tell her things  
   that I don’t even tell you or Mom. I don’t want her to have another boyfriend. I 
   suppose if I could have all those things, I wouldn’t care if I touched her or not. [As  
   unnatural as this might seem in writing, actor Nicholas Hoult manages to make it 
   sound believable.]

   Will: Well, you’ll learn, Marcus. You won’t feel like that forever.

Marcus, his hippie mother, and Will

Some might think Marcus is the only kid in the world to feel the way he does. I disagree. (In fact, I shared his attitude when I was 12.) But Will is probably right, and by the time Marcus is 14 or 16, he'll see girls differently. (This change must happen eventually for our species to propagate.) I just wish young people wouldn't rush their sexuality, and I applaud Marcus's 12-year-old view. Although socially awkward, he understands something about intimacy that escapes his selfish and superficial elder, Will, an independently wealthy bachelor who spends most of his time trying to convince attractive ladies to let him touch them. 


This movie is about a boy trapped in a man’s body, who grows up when he gets entangled in the life of a precocious young friend. I give it an A for its humor, excellent cast (including Hugh Grant, Toni Collette, and Rachel Weisz), fine production quality, catchy soundtrack, and especially its uplifting message.


That's all for now... next time I'll probably return to my typical silly, sarcastic tone, but I wanted to share this because it's something I feel strongly about.

Either You Are, or You're Not

Yesterday, Momma looked closely at the face of our almost-14-year-old daughter and asked, “Are you wearing eye liner?” (Per our rules, she shouldn’t yet.) The response: “A little.” This isn’t really a valid answer for a yes/no question. Actually, it’s an answer, but it’s the same as “yes.”

It’s sort of like pregnancy—you can’t be barely pregnant, or somewhat pregnant, or extremely pregnant. It’s binary; you’re in one of two discrete states. Black or white, no shades of gray.*

I'd guess not, and definitely not.

While reading a Rachel Ray magazine recently, Momma kept asking me to look up various cooking terms and ingredients. We like good food but don't have a strong culinary vocabulary. She asked me, “What’s EVOO?” I checked the e-dictionary on my MacBook and replied, “Oh, of course! Extra Virgin Olive Oil.” You have regular olive oil, and the virgin kind. But wait… there’s also EXTRA virgin.

How can something be more or less virgin than something else? I’m honestly not sure whether I came up with this in my own head or heard it from some stand-up comedian, but I’m picturing a brand of olive oil that advertises itself as SUPER ULTRA virgin—it has never so much as spoken to a man. (If it’s not my original thought and you know who said it, please let me know so I can credit him.) “Mother Teresa Brand. You won’t find anything more virgin.”

Maybe it’s different with oil, but when we’re talking about people, you either are or you’re not. There’s no sort-of. And we want Sarah to stay on the right side of that line. To that end, we impose rules, like the one about eye makeup. Because we don’t want her to get even a little bit pregnant.


* A binary (yes/no) question is one that can be answered with a single transistor, a light switch, or Roger Ebert's thumb.