Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Baby, I'll Take Care of You

If you've been following this blog for long, you know that I'm pretty much a genius about caring for children. I'm also trained in technical writing. So, as a public service for my readers, I've created a simple, universal infant care flowchart. Flowcharts are fun, right?

If you're a new parent, babysitter, uncle, grandma, or neighbor of a wee man-cub, or if you live at a monastery where people occasionally drop off their unwanted offspring in baskets on the front porch, you might find this helpful.

Just start at the top center and follow it down. It covers virtually every possibility and might even arrive at a real solution.






Legal disclaimer: Brian, the staff of Unintimidated by Convention, and Blogger.com accept no liability related to claims made in this article. Brian is not a child care professional, and not all of his methods have been tested on actual human infants. He is not licensed to provide child care advice, and in fact has often made babies cry and toddlers run away in fear. Readers should understand that handling infants often results in stained clothing and pulled hair. It also puts people at risk of coming in contact with saliva, urine, feces, vomit, or a combination of these. Some infants cry purely for the fun of it and can never be made to stop. Readers put their own sanity on the line when choosing to care for such a creature. Do NOT shake your baby.


9 comments:

  1. I love this! I'm passing it along to a few parents I know that might find it extremely helpful.

    Now, can you do one on whining kids? I need that one.

    Missed reading your stuff lately! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Rhonda! You've been up to some great stuff at Bitch and Whine.

      Keep checking in here. I have more fun planned for the near future, and I'll see what I can come up with for whiney kids.

      Delete
  2. As a both a parent and a Six Sigma Blackbelt, I appreciate this process map. The only thing I might suggest is that the "get used to it" terminator really should loop back to "is the baby crying?" It's an infinite loop of "is the baby crying, and what should I do about it?" :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right, Sarah, and I've proven that I'm only a brown belt, or a yellow belt or something. I don't know what I am in Six Sigma. I'm good enough to make fun, silly diagrams, but not any that meet current industry standards. I wonder how I could improve that process--I'd really like this blog to be ISO-9000 compliant.

      Delete
  3. the baby stuff is easy. what do you have for teenage daughters?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I have three of those. I'll see if I can come up with a chart--stand by for that in a future post.

      Delete
  4. One of my proudest achievements is playing peek-a-boo with a baby and having it shriek in terror when I uncovered my face.

    One of my smartest achievements is not having kids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess I should add a step in this chart to ask, "Was the baby exposed to El Guapo?"

      If the answer is yes, what would the remedy be?

      Delete